I don't even know where to begin! As I'm writing this, my emotions are going crazy!! I'm lost, confused, hurt, angry, torn, broken, and happy for new things all at the same time! Well, I'm usually not too happy for new things, but that's just the act that I put on for others.
I don't really know how to feel anymore!! I feel like people expect me to be just dandy, and pretend like I never had feelings for you to begin with! I'm sorry, but I just can't keep going on with life pretending that I'm okay with us being apart, because I'm not! I'm sure you wish I wouldn't have feelings for you anymore too, but I just can't do that! I've tried to get over you and move on, but it only works for a short time! I don't think you quite understand how much you mean to me!
This month has been so hard for me!! Today would make it a year for us! You have no idea how the thought of that just kills me! I seriously can't even write this, just from thinking about it! But that is actually the reason why I'm writing this!
This time of the year, a year ago, was one of the best times of my life! I was so happy!! I was already happy, of course and very content with my life, but I experienced a whole new level of happiness when it came to you!! It was a feeling that I never really expected, and it's a feeling I can't even explain! It's a happiness that I can't seem to get back, and I'm so afraid that I won't find that happiness again! Even after we went our own separate ways, I still experienced that happiness when I got to see, when I talked to you, and when we hung out! And now, we aren't friends, and we aren't even acquaintances! That just tears me apart! I hate not talking to you!! I always find myself just wanting to text you, or send you a message just to see how you are doing, but I know that I can't because you wouldn't return any of them!
I have so many memories that just play over and over again in my head! They are something that I don't want to ever forget, because that was a great time in my life, but at the same time it's killing me inside because I wish we were making more! You were that one person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and the person that I wanted to share all of my big and small moments with! The one who would make me laugh no matter what mood I was in!! Thinking about it just instantly puts a smile on my face! You knew how to make me laugh and you knew the perfect timing!! I felt like we knew so much about each other!! We were always open with each other and we shared a lot of things with each other! I shared a lot of things that I don't really share with people. I trusted you so much! I think I can honestly say that even though you broke my heart, I feel like everything that I opened up to about, will stay with you!! It's nothing that others would even care to know, because it's basically my feelings and my hurt, but I just want to thank you for that!
I could honestly tell that when we were dating, you weren't just putting on a show! I could tell that you really did care and you really did mean a lot of the things you said, but I guess things can change, and sometimes they change way too fast! To be honest, I really question some things you said back then! I know that I meant everything I said, and I think that is the reason why I'm having such a hard time getting over you and us!
I do want you to know that you're not a horrible person though! I have seen good in you even with others have not! When people were passing judgement, I was seeing the total opposite in you! I got to know the heart of a young man that many weren't willing to know! I think they're missing out on something great! You can be one of the sweetest and one of the most caring young man that I know! I think that sometimes people often forget that they fall short daily too! I know that God has great plans for your life though! I still pray for you and I pray that you will walk in the direction that God has called you to go! That He will guide your every step, and that you are blessed coming and going!
You seem really happy with your life now!! You seem like you have really stepped up into a position that not many can do. I must say that I am very proud of you!! You may not care what I think, but I can't tell you enough with how proud I am! Even though I still wish it was me sometimes, I am happy for you! It's been hard for me to be happy for you, and I probably don't have to be, but I felt in my own heart that I should be! At first I didn't understand how you got to be so happy, and I was left broken and hurt! I didn't think that was fair! But I'm just glad to occasionally see pictures of you and how happy you are, and I know that you really truly are happy!!!
Some of the smallest things remind me of you! I look back and smile at the memories we made, and then that smile quickly turns into tears because deep down, I'm still broken! I remember one day when you were at my house and my mom looked me straight in the eye and said "Elizabeth, he LOVES you! I can tell!" I didn't really expect that, but I'm glad I wasn't the only one who thought that because I was on cloud nine! Others noticed it as well. My friends, my family, your family! I remember a couple of talks with your mom and she would even bring up how much she could tell that you loved me! Thinking back on all of these things just hurts me! Everything seemed wonderful and then it was just like a click of a button, and it happened way too fast. I remember still talking though after that! It was hard to just be "friends", but that's what we agreed to be and we were managing on making it that way. What kills me the most now, is the fact that we don't even have a friendship! We don't even check on one another to see how each other is doing. I hate it!! With a passion!! That was the last thing I wanted to happen!
I'm not expecting you, or anyone to read this! But these are my feelings, and it feels so good to get them out! This probably isn't even half of them! I have written other blog posts, but decided not to share those, but I wrote this one with intentions to post this! I miss being able to express my feelings without someone judging me! Someone still might judge me for this post, but I'm starting to get back out to where I don't care and I don't need to constantly worry about who is going to judge me next! I think it's dumb when people expect someone to pretend like everything is okay. I think people need to know that they're not the only ones out there who probably has these same exact feelings! I have spent many car rides to and from work, where I just praise God and where I pray to God and just cry because of my brokenness! I spend my alone time at home just broken before the Lord! In so many ways! God has been my rock for so long!
Sometimes I feel like God has failed me, or I question his plan and reasoning! I've questioned it before, sometimes I still do, and I'll probably continue to! But every time He always proves himself to be faithful and who He says He is, and at the end of the day, or sometimes even the middle or the beginning, I know that His gentle, gracious, loving arms are wrapped around me and I know that He loves me and He still has a plan for me! Sometimes it is so hard to grasp and understand!! But when I look back on all of these years, I see where God was at work! I get reminded of where I am now, compared to where I was then!! When I look back on this past year, I see someone who really grew up into a beautiful young lady, and I am so proud of myself! This year has involved hurt, anger, happiness, brokenness, confusion, and many more things, but God has been there through it all. He's even been with me through this confusion with my mother. I know that for one thing, I am very thankful and blessed with the family that God has placed in my life!! I know that I wouldn't be this far in my life, if it weren't for God allowing them to help raise me up into the young woman that He has called me to be! I have a lot of work, but I am slowly getting there, and I'm really enjoying the person that I am becoming! I have really found who I am in Christ and I have so much beauty within myself that I didn't even know was there!
I'm bringing this post to an end! I still can't fully express the way that I feel!! It's just something that is so hard to put into words! All I know is that today has not been the easiest!! I thought it was hard to deal with what would have been our "monthly" anniversary, but I must say that today has been difficult! This was the day I was looking forward to, along with many years following this one!
I wish you nothing but happiness and God's will for your life, for the rest of your life! No matter what happens, just know that I'll always be here!
"I can't shake you
No matter how hard I try
I can't shake you
I can't shake you
And I don't know why"
"It's easy
Going out on Friday nights
It's easy every time I see him out
I can smile
live it up
the way a single girl does
What he, what he don't know
is how hard it is to make it look so easy"
"We may shine, we may shatter,
We may be picking up the pieces here on after,
We are fragile, we are human,
We are shaped by the light we let through us,
We break fast, cause we are glass."
"I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
And after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you"
"I'd love to see you
If you're ever out this way
You sound happy
'Cause things are working out okay
And I'm getting better
At putting one foot in front of the other
But if you ever get lonely, and you miss me
If you need someone to listen even if it's only
The sound of someone's voice who loves you
That you need to hear, you know where to find me
If you ever get lonely
It sounds like a good time
Goin' down at the other end
You got a new love, got a new life
A whole new set of friends
But are you listening
Do you expect me to pretend
That I don't love you"
"More than miles in my rear view"
<3 Elizabeth Marie!
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